I was like in the middle of that real tricky math question Mr. Foster gave us that number sixteen did you figure it out yet I never got it can I copy your answer before class? OKcool. Right so I was like all concentrating real hard and all of the sudden the phone rings, and oh yeah I was baby sitting that kid again so it was like tough enough to concentrate already and the phone rings and I’m all like WAHHHTTT?!?! Who has landlines anymore amirite? But I like totally pick up anyways and I’m like trying to talk and figure out the question at the same time or whatever and it was like a pervert I swear.
“Hi. Can I talk to Robert please?”
Uhhh . . . Robert OBVIOUSLY isn’t there because, uh duh, I am. What a creeper, right?
“I can’t hear what you’re saying, all I hear is lip smacking. Are you chewing bubble gum?”
“Oh, well I suppose Karen is with him as well. May I speak to Oliver then?”
And I’m all like ‘Who is this?’ you know before I put the kid on the phone with some pedophile or whatever.
“This is his uncle Ryan. Tell him Uncle Ryan wants to talk to him.”
So I’m like Ugh, whatever and I go to the other room where Oli’s watching TV or whatever, like I care with what they pay me, and I’m all ‘Your Uncle Ryan’s on the phone, do you want to talk to him or what?’ And the kid just keeps watching TV, so I’m all like ‘Hey kid do you have an uncle or what?’ and the kid goes, “No. I like Aunt Julie. She’s nice. She gave me a jolly rancher. Do you like Blues Clues?”
So I tell the pervert, right, I’m all ‘Hey pervert this kid doesn’t have an uncle, go molest someone else’ right?
“You fucking bitch, don’t talk to me like that. I’m his Uncle Ryan, I fucking raised that kid, now let me talk to him, you goddam cunt.”
And I was all, ‘Dude, you need to see a psychologist you fucking perv’ and I hung up just like that or something. But that Robert better loosen up and start paying me decent if I’m going to be protecting his son from like pedophiles or whatever, right?
Anyways, can I copy number sixteen before class or what?
[Buy Boxer, one of my favorite albums of all time.]