I’m alive, except for the inside

Written by

Craig Finn – No Future

I find realization through coitus. Through [the] conjugal I am angelic somehow.

The only problem is the navigation of two vastly different psychological states — the pre-ejaculatory male psychology and the post-ejaculatory male psychology. I’m a different person after I’ve cum.

Before I cum, I’m kind of saucy, filthy, dirty, animal-man thing. I’ll do it out. ‘Yeah, let’s get lost together; let’s become one. We are the flesh! Try the sewing machine, the anaconda, and introducing: the matrix. They’re all there. I’m going to make you hear color. I’m going to make you see sound. We’re going to die tonight!’

Then after I cum it’s like, ‘Oh my god what have I done?’ A sense of profound existential angst. A sense of loss. The idea that somehow I’ve let my mum down.

And that is why I’m baffled by the British phenomena of seagulling. Seagulling is a craze — if we can call it such — in British schools where post-(evidently)-adolescent boys, post-pubescent boys masturbate and then ejaculate into their own cupped hand, go up to a school friend or a teacher, and say “SEAGULLING.” [*Makes flicking/flinging motion with hand*]

Now I’ll be the first to admit that that is bad manners.

But that is not what intrigues me. I am intrigued by their ability to navigate these undulating psychological states. How can a schoolboy get from the pre-ejaculatory psychology to the post — such a tumultuous, undulating, unsure terrain? I can’t cope with it [and] I’m a man; he’s just a boy. How do they do that? How can they cope with that profound journey? How can a boy — a boy! — be masturbating and think ‘fucking hell, I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum, oh fuck me, ungh, I’m gonna fucking cum, *orgasm sounds*’, [pause] ‘one day I will die’, [pause] ‘SEAGULLING’?

[Russell Brand / Clear Heart Full Eyes.]

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