There’s no satisfaction in knowledge

Written by

Doll Eyes – Mike Degrasse Tyson

Things I realised while stranded outside the apartment at 4:30 a.m. (because my roommate was asleep/having sex/dead and couldn’t be woken by the buzzer nor her phone, despite shouldering the door-opening responsibility by taking the only set of keys):

– The longer you are outside, the colder it gets.

– Those black dots on the pavement that are smoother than the roughness of the concrete? Those are downtrodden pieces of chewing gum.

– Don’t pick at the black dots on the pavement, or you’ll get gum under your nails.

– Five storeys is too high to throw pebbles at a window. This has potential to shit all over plans for romantic street-to-window poetry readings, badass attention grabbing (whereby the person on the receiving end would look outside and see, like, a tank, or something equally awesome), and irate wake-up calls.

– Being cold sobers you up.

– Being in a rage sobers you up.

– Being locked out of your apartment sobers you up.

– There is a time and a place for a transparent top and it is not outside an apartment building at 4.30 a.m. with no way of getting inside.

– Always be thankful for huge, fuck-off menacing boots.

– You will almost definitely start to regret that final beer.

– Don’t risk that gutter pee, no matter how sneaky it seems at the time.

– There is no limit to the amount of times you can press a buzzer.

– The super is not at your beck and call.

– The buzzer is not loud enough.

– Call.

– Call.

– Call.

– Call.

– Call.

– Calling makes you feel productive.

– Voicemail takes control too quickly.

– There will always be helpful-but-suspicious neighbours.

– Smile and thank all your neighbours. Always.

– Knocking must reach volumes previously thought unmeasurable.

– Kicking the door is not an unhelpful outburst of rage. It is tactical.

– An open door will cancel all ill feelings toward a roommate, only to replace them with feelings of complete fanatical devotion.

– Propositioning your roommate at 4.50 a.m. will be met with a contemptuously closed door.

[Big Fun.]

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