Hey guys and girls,
Guess what? This is our post-apocalypse! The Mayan calendar really did end! Forget the world as you know it. It’s over. This is our time now. I know it’s confusing: there were no raging hails of brimstone and no wingless angels falling slumped to the earth and no swarms of locusts or African killer-bees pockmarking our pristine, L’Oreal‘d skin. However, don’t be fooled. It is happening. We are soaked in the gasoline now. We are waiting for a struck match to be held to our cuffs, our arms ablaze. Fiery collared shirts windmilling in the streets. Together we are Patient Zero. Sitting, each of us, on Ground Zero. One collective digit. So to this, I propose a few New World guidelines (not rules — I’m not the ruler, I mean, unless you guys wanna vote me in as the ruler and, if so, well, okay, I guess, but don’t feel any pressure or anything):
- Let’s adopt a universal language. Just so you could, like, call Somalia or something and be all, “Yo! Somalia! What is up?” and there wouldn’t any confusion or whatever. Maybe call it Humanglish or Peoplese or something.
- I propose we strike the term ‘celebrity’ from our New World lexicon. It’s a cruel word. The beginnings of social divide. It does us no good and in the long run will get really silly. We’ve seen this. Also, it is really hard to become a celebrity without resorting to nefarious means or plastic surgery or a sex tape.
- I’m unsure about this one, but we should probably be naked most of the time. Less shame. More titties. That might just be me, though.
- Everybody should watch The Shawshank Redemption when they’re cognitively aware. It’ll help with our ideas of friendship, justice, injustice, the importance of hope, and why Morgan Freeman should be the voice inside your head narrating your thoughts.
- We’ll have schools, right? I know people don’t necessarily like school but it’s important and, well, alright, if we have schools let’s stick to the important lessons: How To Play An Instrument, How To Deal With A Broken Heart Without Using That Instrument To Soundtrack Really Shitty Poetry, and How To Not Let That Adolescent Heart-Breaking Haunt You In Adulthood And Adversely Affect Every Mature Relationship You’ll Ever Attempt. Also: How To Make Scones (I still don’t know!)
- We shouldn’t bring our smartphones along when we hang out at parties. If your friend is texting you all night, well, they should have come to the party. It would have been fun! More importantly, it is too easy to ignore people looking to have a conversation when you have a Black Hole of Disinterest waiting to be pulled out of your pocket. Sometimes people are boring, I know, but maybe ask questions until there’s something there to talk about.
- This is more of a request: can we stop with ‘reality’ TV? Reality is everywhere. It feels weird putting it in a box. Go outside. Or stay indoors and talk to your sister or your partner (who is probably on his or her smartphone anyway) or play with your dog or something. Buddy is lonely.
- No rulers! My feigned disinterest earlier was a ruse! A clever ruse designed to trick you into thinking “Hey, maybe this guy should be the ruler! He seems to have some good ideas and a way with words and he is also very handsome!” I know, I know — it is hard to ignore. Alas, we must stay strong! We no longer need hierarchy. We will simply pin ideas to a message board (possibly the Great Wall of China, since I’ve always heard it can be seen from space and that could come in handy down the line) and when those ideas have run their course or are no longer socially relevant, we will simply unpin them! Easy! As our sensitivities change, so will our ideas! As long as they are for the betterment of our collective beauty and intelligence, we can not err!
- Above all: we oughta just be kind to one another.
If we follow these guidelines, our New World should be just dandy.